Accepting the muscle!

This post in totally inspired by THIS post by Jennifer @ Wine To Weightlifting. Especially the part about seeing change in your body. I recently made this photo comparison pic-stitch of a picture from 2011 on the left and a recent photo on the right.
IMG_1960It’s hard to fit either body type into clothes, but the body on the right is much harder to dress! I enjoy being strong, and I am much happier than I was in the photo on the left. But even now, seeing them side by side makes me wonder if i’d trade all of those PR’s to be smaller.

I was sad during that time, though. I was single. I wasn’t getting a lot of happiness from my job. I felt super lonely. And I was eating stupid crap like lean cuisines. Gross.

I was teaching group fitness, but it was wearing me down. I would get up and teach a 5:15AM body pump class, then I’d work all day and then teach an hour-long spin class at 7:00. Then I’d train long-run marathon training runs on the weekend. Never picked up anything over about 60lbs ever.

Running was the main focus of my training. I wanted to be an endurance athlete. I wanted to force my large, strong frame to be light and fast.

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It’s not like I wasn’t successful. I ran a marathon in under 4 hours and ran several half marathons around 1:50.

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Running at 8-9 minute mile pace was comfortable to me.

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Then I found crossfit!

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And more muscle.10577203_763660320357862_6794942679422256789_n

and MORE muscle.10377634_812954045428489_2788008836895878930_n

It just kept building on as I kept doing the workouts. I focused on competing and trying to be stronger. That was the fun part to me, so that was my focus. The changes in my body were just something that came along as a side effect.

I recently decided that maybe I have accidentally been “bulking” for the past couple of years, so I have been attempting to “cut”. Attempting. For about 6 months now. And all I’ve managed to do is lose about 5 lbs. And lose that same 5 lbs about 4 times.

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I’m not even competing right now, so what is the point? I have skills now. I can finally do all of the basic crossfit movements because I got my muscle up this year. What I really want to do now is get comfortable in my own skin.

I’ve been following Juli Bauer’s blog at PaleOMG for a long time and I’ve watched her transform from a competitive regional crossfit athlete into a lean thigh-gap sporting fashionista who goes a lot lighter on the weights during her workouts.  At first I was so angry that she would let her injuries take her away from her talents. Maybe I’ve had too much of the crossfit kool aid. But now I am finally starting to see that you can step away and look at the bigger picture. People won’t like you any less if you’re bad at muscle ups and have a weak motor (me). It doesn’t matter if everyone else beats me at workouts. I just want to be strong and happy and healthy. And not feel all self-conscous in a swimsuit.

What am I talking about? I want to be one of the best athletes! And I want to make it to regionals on a team one day.

I’m so torn!!! Can I care about both??? I want to be competitive AND look good.

And how is it that I can put this much focus on diet and exercise and still feel like I look like shit?!?

Uh. I feel like this whole post lost it’s purpose.

My birthday was Tuesday. I should blog about that instead. lol

I guess my conclusion is that I need to lose that 5 lbs again and then keep going! I need to figure out how to navigate my way through social events and special occasions without completely derailing. I have the tools to do it… just trying to find the discipline.11188368_10152845937481417_4712798849742653991_n

 

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7 thoughts on “Accepting the muscle!

  1. Jennifer May 7, 2015 / 2:09 pm

    LOVEEEEEE. ❤

    I freaking LOVE your body.. and makes me look forward to another year of Crossfit and lifting and what it can do! It's so funny how our perception changes, and changes back, and gets conflicted, but so amazing that we can learn to embrace it every step of the way.

    Keep doing what you love cause you look amazing, you can tell you feel amazing, and you ARE amazing!

    • fabulousinfayetteville May 7, 2015 / 2:37 pm

      Aww thank you so much! i am HAPPY!!! Very happy–just trying to find a balance. I think life is a lot about being able to balance everything. Have a cupcake, but not six cupcakes. Run a marathon, but only if you love running. Get enough sleep but don’t sleep all day. Drink enough water. but don’t make your whole life about water. Create realistic goals and then go make them happen! And sometimes do things you hate too just to get better at weaknesses. hello butterfly pull-ups 🙂

  2. H May 7, 2015 / 10:48 pm

    I have really enjoyed your blogs and posts – food or not. Its definitely a tough subject, especially when we are (our society) idolizes the slender/skinny type. I can agree with the Juli mention – she seems happy, more props to her. She has definitely leaned out (or in some pics looks so tiny/skinny).

    Be happy that our bodies can do what they do, lift whatever weight, move, do skills that most and some aren’t capable of doing. You rock those shorts! You look amazing!

    • fabulousinfayetteville May 8, 2015 / 10:02 am

      Thank you!

      I think it would be a lot easier to accept my body if clothes that could work for me were widely available. That part makes me sad. The fact that i only have one pair of casual shorts the truly fit. and zero pairs of jeans. and no jackets that fit my shoulders and torso at the same time. I want to be comfortable and confident in something besides workout clothes and sweats. Juli used to complain a lot about trying to find clothes, and now she fits into so many things that she has an entire fashion section in her blog! *jealous* lol

  3. amberbusyboldblessed May 14, 2015 / 12:06 pm

    I have very mixed emotions about this topic regarding my own body. I’ve never been on the petite side. As long as I can remember I’ve always had large muscular thighs. I never had a problem with my muscles, but I did always wish my stomach was leaner. I’ve recently been trying to focus on my diet, but I find it SO hard not to go completely off the rails on the weekend. I find myself losing and gaining the same 5-10 lbs over and over again. Everyone at my gym recently started counting their macros and I’m just feeling too lazy to want to measure and calculate everything I eat. I also think about how I’ll feel if my muscles get any bigger. I look at the advanced CF girls and think, I don’t want to look like that… but then there are others like Jackie Perez and Christmas Abbott that lift heavy and have bodies that I desire. I’m not a competitor, but I want to lift heavy, I want to master all the basic CF moves… but when it comes down to it, I workout to look good naked. So far I’m happy with my results from CF, but I do wonder if I’ll ever have to draw the line.

    • fabulousinfayetteville May 14, 2015 / 12:22 pm

      Christmas Abbott and Jackie Perez look the way they do because they both have small frames and a bit of a genetic disposition to be able to stay small and be strong at the same time. Most women’s bodies aren’t like that. You gotta know what a realistic goal is for your body type–my ultimate goal is a lot more like Lindsey Valenzuela or Stacie Tovar than someone like Andrea Ager. Especially because the part of crossfit that I really love involves lifting heavy. You can do what Juli Bauer decided to do and stop lifting heavy and keep doing crossfit but with lighter weights and a higher cardio-focus. Do what makes you comfortable in your skin and happy in the long run. I’ve been going back and forth a lot, but I ultimately think I’ll be the happiest if I can keep moving heavy weights. I’ll just try and make a few small tweaks to my body with flexible dieting along the way.

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