This post in totally inspired by THIS post by Jennifer @ Wine To Weightlifting. Especially the part about seeing change in your body. I recently made this photo comparison pic-stitch of a picture from 2011 on the left and a recent photo on the right.
It’s hard to fit either body type into clothes, but the body on the right is much harder to dress! I enjoy being strong, and I am much happier than I was in the photo on the left. But even now, seeing them side by side makes me wonder if i’d trade all of those PR’s to be smaller.
I was sad during that time, though. I was single. I wasn’t getting a lot of happiness from my job. I felt super lonely. And I was eating stupid crap like lean cuisines. Gross.
I was teaching group fitness, but it was wearing me down. I would get up and teach a 5:15AM body pump class, then I’d work all day and then teach an hour-long spin class at 7:00. Then I’d train long-run marathon training runs on the weekend. Never picked up anything over about 60lbs ever.
Running was the main focus of my training. I wanted to be an endurance athlete. I wanted to force my large, strong frame to be light and fast.
It’s not like I wasn’t successful. I ran a marathon in under 4 hours and ran several half marathons around 1:50.
Running at 8-9 minute mile pace was comfortable to me.
Then I found crossfit!
It just kept building on as I kept doing the workouts. I focused on competing and trying to be stronger. That was the fun part to me, so that was my focus. The changes in my body were just something that came along as a side effect.
I recently decided that maybe I have accidentally been “bulking” for the past couple of years, so I have been attempting to “cut”. Attempting. For about 6 months now. And all I’ve managed to do is lose about 5 lbs. And lose that same 5 lbs about 4 times.
I’m not even competing right now, so what is the point? I have skills now. I can finally do all of the basic crossfit movements because I got my muscle up this year. What I really want to do now is get comfortable in my own skin.
I’ve been following Juli Bauer’s blog at PaleOMG for a long time and I’ve watched her transform from a competitive regional crossfit athlete into a lean thigh-gap sporting fashionista who goes a lot lighter on the weights during her workouts. At first I was so angry that she would let her injuries take her away from her talents. Maybe I’ve had too much of the crossfit kool aid. But now I am finally starting to see that you can step away and look at the bigger picture. People won’t like you any less if you’re bad at muscle ups and have a weak motor (me). It doesn’t matter if everyone else beats me at workouts. I just want to be strong and happy and healthy. And not feel all self-conscous in a swimsuit.
What am I talking about? I want to be one of the best athletes! And I want to make it to regionals on a team one day.
I’m so torn!!! Can I care about both??? I want to be competitive AND look good.
And how is it that I can put this much focus on diet and exercise and still feel like I look like shit?!?
Uh. I feel like this whole post lost it’s purpose.
My birthday was Tuesday. I should blog about that instead. lol
I guess my conclusion is that I need to lose that 5 lbs again and then keep going! I need to figure out how to navigate my way through social events and special occasions without completely derailing. I have the tools to do it… just trying to find the discipline.